Fear

You know, I didn’t realize how much a part fear played in a lot of areas of my life until it was brought to my attention recently. I think that one reason I had gained weight was because it protected me from so many things. And now that covering is disappearing, I kind of feel vulnerable. But I like the definition of insanity someone told me: doing things the same way you’ve always done them and yet expecting different results. One thing this journey has taught me is that if you want change, then YOU must change. Sounds simple, but it isn’t always.

Now some of the fear was/is founded. The fear of falling is valid because it HURTS to fall (and is embarrassing as heck). And the reality of my life is that occasionally I fall. But Jake the Great and I made an interesting discovery the other day. When I am doing a modified plank with one foot and arm up, it is very frightening to me and outside my comfort zone. But if he just lightly touched me on my back, all of a sudden I became steady and could do it. He wasn’t holding me up. He wasn’t steadying me. All he did was lightly touch me. Yet when he moved his hand away, I began to lose my balance. It took me a while to figure out it was because I knew as long as I knew he was there, he wouldn’t let me fall. Just the lightest touch gave me reassurance he was close by.

Isn’t that how it is in life? When we’re trying something new that is unfamiliar or scary and we’re alone, we tend to waiver. Yet when there is someone we trust close by, it gives us the courage to do new things. There are definitely spiritual lessons I’ve learned from this, but also practical ones. I want to be the woman I thought I’d be when I was a little girl. The one who tries new things: sometimes successfully, sometimes not. But I tend to think of life as a ladder. Sometimes we take a step up. Sometimes down. But we don’t ever go all the way to the top or the bottom unless we CHOOSE to. So today I choose to take a deep breath and take the lessons I’ve learned from this fitness journey into other areas of my life. If you see a woman alone tonight listening to one of her favorite jazz/blues singers because her friends had other plans, it might be me. Say hello and find out.

Stand

In this day of microwave ovens, cell phones, email, and other methods of immediate gratification it shouldn’t surprise me when people opt to do radical invasive surgery to lose weight as opposed to the old tried and true methods – but it still DOES. I realize there are exceptions but a lot of the people I’ve spoken with are looking for the “quick fix”. And maybe you WILL lose a lot of weight fast – but at what cost: both monetary and physically. Because if you lose weight rapidly without working out the skin is going to just hang there – then you’ll need ANOTHER surgery to cut and tone the skin. Now I’m not opposed to a little cosmetic fixer-upper: However, when you have to have POUNDS of skin removed I don’t consider that a minor procedure.

Friends confide in me because they’ve seen such a change in me and talk about the change they want to make within themselves. And a lot of these friends are people with an excess of 150 pounds to lose ((side note: I’ve offered to put them in touch with Thea and Jan who both have FANTASTIC stories of losing over 100 lbsl!!)) tell me that their diet is fantastic and they work out. However, if we eat together these are the same people making fun of me when ordering a salad for either having dressing on the side, or just squeezing fresh lemon on it (“don’t I KNOW the dressing is what makes the salad?” ummmm ..no). And when I suggest going for a walk, or horror of horrors parking in the parking spot furthest away to get that extra walking time they act like I have two heads! ESPECIALLY when they know I have a handicap tag for my car and STILL park far away - it almost sends them over the edge. :)

I have a few friends who have asked me to help them in their efforts. I’ve started sending them encouraging calls and email while checking their progress. Recently I’ve heard “I only had one piece of cheese bread with my pizza.” “But everyone was having ice cream cake”. And my personal favorite, “You just don’t know how hard it is.”... I usually just sit in silence a few seconds on that one.

Everyone has their own journey, but the one thing I’ve learned is that AFTER you see the results people think it is easy, which totally cracks me up. It is probably one of (if not THE) hardest things I’ve ever done, but also the most rewarding. But I’ve found personally it is a daily decision: what I’m going to eat, when I’m going to work out, etc. Sometimes I think it is easier for me because there simply is no other choice. If I go back to old patterns, I go back to walking with a cane and heading quickly towards a wheel chair. So it is not simply for vanity reasons, it is to keep myself mobile. I wonder if others knew their choice was to change their patterns or give up their mobility if that would make a difference? So even though I’ve been accused of being a gym rat, a pure food radical, and other things, I’m good with that. I just want EVERYONE to know that they CAN take back their life. I wish this blog allowed music, because I’d be playing STAND by Rascal Flatts

Cause when push comes to shove,
You taste what you're made of.
You might bend 'til you break,
Cause it's all you can take.
On your knees, you look up,
Decide you've had enough.
You get mad, you get strong,
Wipe your head, shake it off,
Then you stand.

Man-grabber or Cane?

I was driving thru Forest Park today with my sunroof open, Janis Joplin BLARING, and out of nowhere I just started crying, because I am so happy. It is incredible how my life has changed. As I drove past the Zoo, I thought "I can do that now! I can walk all over the Zoo this year" and started crying all over again. Life is SO incredibly good. The simple act of walking used to be such a challenge. Today one of the men stopped me in the office and was laughing saying “you are moving so fast I almost didn’t know who it was”. I think I hugged him.
I’ve decided that this year I want to do one new physical thing a month – something I haven’t done before or in a LONG time. Like climbing a wall, taking a class. Or maybe I’ll just take a walk through a park without using my cane and not needing someone to hold me up. Last Spring I would walk down Euclid at lunch using my wooden carved “work cane” and had regular rest stops all marked off where I could stop and catch my breath before carrying on. Wow.
Ok, time for a side funny story – I’m way too serious right now. I took a walk in the area a few years ago, and was on the street where one of the men I work with lives. Well he must have had the same idea because I saw him on the street. I stopped by a tree, leaned up against it and raised my wooden cane and said “Be afraid, I have my man-grabber with me!”. He just looked very startled and started walking very fast – in the opposite direction. It was then I realized two things: (1) I should always wear my glasses and (2) it wasn’t the man from my office. You KNOW he was telling people about the crazy lady with the “man-grabber” in the Central West End. :) Yep – that’s me. So if you see me with my cane, I’m not using it to walk, just looking for a man to grab.
Carpe Diem!

Wow - Again, thank you!

For those of you that haven’t heard, I won the Cancun Client contest – so you’ll be looking at my mug in your gyms. Which give me MORE incentive to get in better shape – because this is just a halfway point!

I am so incredibly humbled by this, but excited for the possibilities too and the voice this gives me. I called my Neurologist to share the news. Her office was so excited – they pulled my chart so they could see the progression and are astonished. When the posters come out they want to display them in her Washington University and St. Luke’s hospital to show people going through challenges or just diagnosed with M.S, that they don’t have to accept it. Which has been my goal all along. Because my vision is so much bigger than just this honor (which is phenomenal!). I don’t want anyone to get to the place I was in before I came here.

Now it isn’t all roses today. I’ve fallen a few times recently. We don’t know if it’s because I’ve kicked my training up a notch, recent outside stresses, the weather changes (honestly effects it), or just because I changed my eye shadow. There is no rhyme or reason. All I know is that even when I’ve collapsed or fallen, I simply get up, dust myself off, and start all over again (as the song goes). Because stopping is NOT an option. Slowing down is not an option. Changing how I do things MAY be an option. :) As you can see, I’m a little hard-headed.

But through it all, I want to continue to have fun! To enjoy every second of this ride we call life. With the DFM team behind me, we can’t fail - because this is a GROUP effort. From Ryan, Jake the Great, Jeremy, Chad, Jason, Tj, Josh, JC, Diane, Nick and everyone else who has helped me so much, thank you. From a sincere heart, thank you. And on behalf all of the people out there you may never see – thank you. This is going to be an amazing year.

And to the "runner-ups", as far as I’m concerned we ALL won. Your stories are so inspiring. I am so proud to be in such wonderful company.

Oh, and I’m signing up for additional training this week – AND buying a bike. I told my friends that I fully intend to have streamers from the handle bars and maybe even baseball cards in the spokes - so you can’t miss me. Next goal – jogging. Anyone up for joining me in September for a jog through a park? :) Oh and the M.S. Bike Ride. Oh yeah, and I want to dance again. And Thai Chi. And I want to lift more weight (LOVE it). And yoga. And Zumba – really want to become steady enough to take classes. Oh yeah, kick boxing (be afraid – be VERY afraid). Oh yeah, spinning. OH, I want to climb a wall!! The possibilities are limitless. This time last year I couldn't IMAGINE this would be my life. Now I can't imagine it NOT. Thank you.

THANK YOU

Thank you thank you thank you.

Beware of the flying monkeys

You know I get a lot of inspiration on the bikes: maybe it’s because I spend so much time on them. Maybe because my ADD kicks in halfway through and if my mind doesn’t wander it might just explode. But you can tell a lot by how people work out on the bikes. Now granted – I don’t know the whole story and there may be extenuating circumstances. But I was working out Saturday morning and the woman to the left of me was taking her sweet time reading her magazine and going about 45. (ok, I peeked) Now the woman to the right of me flat out scared me - I’ve affectionately dubbed her Manic Mary. She jumps on the bike with a purpose and never got below 125-140. Then there was me – right in the middle averaging in the 80s or 90s. But I was there for over an hour and kept seeing people come and go. Some were just there to warm up. Some were driven to do as much as they could in the shortest amount of time. Some were just leisurely enjoying the ride. Sort of like the overall gym experience, and honestly I’ve been all of the people on different days. But I’ve decided I want to be ALL of them – always driven, always enjoying the ride, and always there for the long haul. I wish I could have had the results other people have – but then I think of the success I have had. Which was excellent….then. This is now. Now I want to obtain those seemingly unobtainable goals – like Michelle Obama arms. Heck, I’d be happy if I lost the old lady grandma wings. And I will. But on my cardio days maybe I’ll take time to slow down and enjoy the journey. Then speed off on my own little yellow brick road. Just have to dodge the flying monkeys.

It's a new week! FINALLY!!!

Well, today’s the start of a new week. It’s been an interesting couple of past weeks. But this is a new week, and I’m ready to put the old behind, and start anew.

While my strength seemed to decline for a few weeks, I think I surprised both Jake the Great and myself with the leg presses. It felt good – strong – and when I’d reached my max and yelled out the last ounce of strength – Jake added up everything. It was 405 lbs! So I’m guessing that my legs are becoming more strong!

And I am too; both externally and internally. Because as my strength increases on the exterior, it pumps me up and helps me know the only thing holding me back, is ME.

I had a chance recently to read the online magazine sent to people with my disease. I think some of the main tops were categorizing your clothes by color so if you lose part of your vision you can still “look” nice. How to deal with the legal aspects of no longer being able to do your job. PT exercises to help you get out of bed more easily. You know, encouraging things like that. J

Me, being me, called the national office to share my story thus far. At first they thought I’d been misdiagnosed until they found me in their data base, from YEARS ago. Then they said to keep them apprised of my progress.

Like they could stop me!!!

But next week my prayer is that I am able to do as much, if not more, than before. But if not this week – I know I will – and soon. And I’ll tell you all about it!!