Fear

You know, I didn’t realize how much a part fear played in a lot of areas of my life until it was brought to my attention recently. I think that one reason I had gained weight was because it protected me from so many things. And now that covering is disappearing, I kind of feel vulnerable. But I like the definition of insanity someone told me: doing things the same way you’ve always done them and yet expecting different results. One thing this journey has taught me is that if you want change, then YOU must change. Sounds simple, but it isn’t always.

Now some of the fear was/is founded. The fear of falling is valid because it HURTS to fall (and is embarrassing as heck). And the reality of my life is that occasionally I fall. But Jake the Great and I made an interesting discovery the other day. When I am doing a modified plank with one foot and arm up, it is very frightening to me and outside my comfort zone. But if he just lightly touched me on my back, all of a sudden I became steady and could do it. He wasn’t holding me up. He wasn’t steadying me. All he did was lightly touch me. Yet when he moved his hand away, I began to lose my balance. It took me a while to figure out it was because I knew as long as I knew he was there, he wouldn’t let me fall. Just the lightest touch gave me reassurance he was close by.

Isn’t that how it is in life? When we’re trying something new that is unfamiliar or scary and we’re alone, we tend to waiver. Yet when there is someone we trust close by, it gives us the courage to do new things. There are definitely spiritual lessons I’ve learned from this, but also practical ones. I want to be the woman I thought I’d be when I was a little girl. The one who tries new things: sometimes successfully, sometimes not. But I tend to think of life as a ladder. Sometimes we take a step up. Sometimes down. But we don’t ever go all the way to the top or the bottom unless we CHOOSE to. So today I choose to take a deep breath and take the lessons I’ve learned from this fitness journey into other areas of my life. If you see a woman alone tonight listening to one of her favorite jazz/blues singers because her friends had other plans, it might be me. Say hello and find out.